Cereal Diet

Ahh, it's been too long. And sadly, I'm here to report only that it's going to be longer still. As much as I'm starved for attention and affection and breakfast, I'm equally starved for vacation and since my job is giving me a 3 week hiatus, I'm heading for the border.

The goal, however, is to return relaxed and refreshed and ready to eat-and-tell with abandon. (Actually, the real goal is to return tanned and happy and not-quite-broke - or really just to return - but I'm gonna aim high.) So do stay tuned - I'm not done with you yet.

Date #21: Double Special K with Bananas and Berries

Man, Special K sure is popular amongst the fellas. Especially this guy who, when informed that JuJu was out of his first choice “Peach Combo” bowl opted instead to double up on the fan favorite (two scoops o’ cereal makes for quite the breakfeast), along with bananas and berries (both blue and straw).

A native of Buffalo, this fellow Rust Belter arrived in Los Angeles just two months ago, following stints in D.C., Atlanta, and Houston. He’s got one of those technology/computer/software jobs that I don’t understand but tend to allow very pale boys to work from home in any number of exciting cities. Los Angeles! Buenos Aires! Rochester!

Anyways, he ventured out of fly-over territory for a job at UCLA doing media something or other for their library system and fills his spare time with on-campus classes and activities (personal finance, film, surfing – there sure are some nice perks over there at UCLA) and music. He’s a music guy. Loves music. Music is “his thing.” Loves a concert. Spent his summers in college following the Grateful Dead and Phish on tour. And he likes to travel. Santa Fe is a favorite – they have a great amphitheater, apparently. It resembles a cave, or something. Denver, too. You get views of the city as well as the Rockies from their venue. And the Everglades. Not much there, of course, but the place to be for a millennium New Year’s Eve show. But as for travel independent of aged rock legends? Nope. Umm. Oh.

Double Special K doesn’t look much like a Deadhead or a Phish follower, though. In fact, in his pale yellow striped polo he rather looked like a skinny, preppy Tom Cruise, minus the creepy laugh. He did have a kind of loud voice, however, that reverberated in the sparsely furnished establishment. Didn’t really bother me much (I mean what deep secrets of mine was he telling?), but the 95-pound septuagenarian in the wheelchair three tables over didn’t seem thrilled by it. (Seriously. And how ‘bout that? I thought Aaron Spelling was the last person over the age of 69 allowed in Los Angeles proper. And only because he had been grandfathered in.)

So, yeah. That about covers it. Smart guy. Nice guy. Just not my smart, nice guy. I did receive the following email a couple days later, though:

Subject: Juju has a secret stash

“I just read a review about JuJu that said they have a secret menu but only if you ask – Almond flavored milk and some other secret toppings. Yeah right they were out of my peach combo bowl ;-)

I still have a list of tacky stuff to see over in your area of town (La Brea tar pits, LACMA, etc…), if you’re interested in hitting up any of those let me know, and hopefully we can set something up when it’s not asphalt melting hot outside.”

A vegetarian answer to In-N-Out’s legendary secret-ish offerings? Well this is an exciting development. I informed him of my disdain for the tar pits (namely their intensely sulfuric stench), but told him to keep me abreast of any other tacky Miracle Mile adventures. (Not mentioning that the likelihood of me partaking in such pursuits hovers roughly around that of Elmo being named Obama's running partner. But hey, you never know.)

Subject: I Heart La Brea Tar Pits

“I know you’re a huge tar pit fan so I picked you up an ‘I Love La Brea Tar Pits’ shirt. I also got the most obnoxious color they had, fluorescent yellow. No worries, they were free with lifetime membership to the park. You can have that too. j/k”

Very amusing, Double Special K, very amusing. Must be that extra helping of all those lightly toasted rice flakes. Like Viagra for the funny bone.

No Jew For You

So I opted out of Kosher in favor of this guy:

“Cereal IS awesome. I lean towards Sugar Bear and his delicious Golden crisp but sometimes I like to get crazy and hang with Cap’n Crunch. meh, depends on my mood that day. Definitely would be interested in hitting up JuJu, I live a few blocks away and haven’t been there yet so i’m pretty interested in how post modern design and old school nourishment fit together. Native east coaster, so the things on my feet are Sneakers, I call carbonated beverages ‘Pop’ and I take my humor dark and sarcastic. Recently moved here a couple months ago for a position at UCLA, saw your post and thought i’d drop a line, just looking to network and meet some new and different people here. Chill, laid back, yada yada…

Attached a pic, should give you the general idea of me in all scenarios of life – stoner style at a Phish show, some wedding, and working for The Man. Drop a line if you’re down for some cereal!”

“You sound like a good guy to eat cereal with. I also hail from the east but years of travel beat the ‘pop’ out of me and I have since adopted ‘soda’ as my own. If you think you can handle that, how does 2:00pm tomorrow sound? I find daring cereal combinations to be especially enjoyable around 2:00pm. I don’t have a picture on my computer that I can send, but I’m 5’5, athletic, long brown hair, dazzling smile. :)”

“Good to hear from you, i’m ver sorry to hear the west coast won the pop vs soda war, we’re a dying breed…No pics? Any flicker, MySpace, or a camera phone? Are you sending this from an Apple IIe powered by a hamster wheel as well? ;-) Just teasing – this is craigslist so forgive me I tend to be cautious and skeptical, one can never be too safe.”

“Well I usually keep a picture at the ready for such situations (you know, asking guys to meet me for cereal on Craigslist…) but seemed to have misplaced it in a fit of organization. But I understand your skepticism so I did a little searching this morning and found it in the aptly names ‘My Pictures’ folder. (Huh, who would’ve thought?) Anyways, a little more about myself…(insert a few scintillating personal details here)…

Don’t want to give away too much, as we’ll theoretically need something to talk about in person. You up for it?”

“Thanks for your message, yeah that helps a lot. I’ve bounced around the US a lot and craigslist has been great for almost every city – get my furniture, apartments, meet people etc… The people are always 99% cool. So yeah, let’s get some cereal @ 2pm, that menu looks out of control. Lucky charms, malt balls and maple syrup…damn, that’s hardcore.”

That it is, little one, that it is. I guess we’ll see if you can handle it. At 2pm.

A Little Jew In You

Sensing another go with Craigslist was nearing, I recently drafted (and posted) this updated and undeniably awesome blurb:

“JuJu Cereal Bar?

Cereal’s Awesome. Combining different kinds and mixing them with fruit and candy and cake frosting in a chic, modern setting is even awesomer. Anyone up for checking out JuJu Cereal Bar in Westwood on Saturday afternoon, having a creatively fantastic snack, and possibly making a creatively fantastic new friend?

About me:
I love traveling, Friends, cruciferous vegetables, and witty sarcasm and I hate bars, clubs, mingling at parties, and vomit.

Just a fun weekend activity – no expectations beyond a breakfast-length conversation. Ages 21-34 only. Being awesome a plus.”

Come on, who wouldn’t want some of that?

As usual, I got a nice assortment of responses – some of which I may amuse you with in the future – but for today we’re going to focus on the following:

“Dude, JuJu is going to go out of business soon. I walk past there every morning on the way to the bus, and there’s like nobody there. Anyway, if you’d like to hang out in Westwood, that’s cool. I’d rather meet in Starbucks, Peet’s, Coffee Bean, or Seattle’s Best (in Borders, down the street from JuJu).”

Now, I was too annoyed by his brazen hijacking of my post (I don’t really care what you’d “rather” do, you caffeine addict. And I don’t particularly care to hang out in Westwood, either. I specifically was seeking someone to eat cereal with. It’s right there in the title.) to notice the even more shocking fact that this guy was walking…to the bus. People in L.A. don’t walk. Sure, they have legs that transport them from the valet to the restaurant, or their front door, or the gym – but they have cars. Everyone does. It’s just the way it is. Some people may also have to live inside their cars, but they have them. I may not agree with it entirely, but the fact of the matter is, if you live in Los Angeles and don’t have a car and your first name isn’t spelled G-O-D (‘cause God Don’t Own a Car – at least according to Jimmy Buffet) you are strange and marking yourself as such.

“Nah, I’m not really into coffee. I’m more into cereal. But let me know if you change your mind on JuJu – could be fun.”

“When were you thinking of going to JuJu?”

Again, right there in the post. Really not winning any points here, man.

“I was thinking maybe Saturday afternoon. You game?”

“OK. I’ll see you there. What time do you want to meet? Also, I’m a 27 year old male living in Westwood (I live ~4 blocks away from JuJu.) Thanks.”

You’re welcome.

“Cool. How’s 2pm?”

“OK. But I’m not promising that I’ll eat the cereal there! :)”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Hold the phone.

“Well that takes all the fun out of it, then. Why bother?”

“OK. You’ve talked me out of it.”

What the fuck is going on here?

“Wow. What do you have against cereal?”

I can’t even imagine. The big reveal…

“The truth is that I keep kosher. I was too embarrassed to mention that to you, because I was certain it would put you off, which I’m sure it has. But, I would be willing to meet with you, if you’d like. I have attached a picture of myself to this message for your review.”

So many things wrong with this email. Seriously, I’m overwhelmed by the thought of compiling a list.

1. You are embarrassed by one of the pillars at the core of your beliefs.
2. You assume that others find this practice off-putting.
3. You actively seek out/respond to people who you believe find your lifestyle disturbing.
4. You are willing to go on a date with someone even if you know that they are disagreeable to the very person you are.
5. Your picture looks like a mugshot.

“Not put off by it. I don’t know too much about keeping kosher, admittedly, but I do have my own dietary preferences so I somewhat understand having to be conscious of what/where you are eating. Just curious, is the concern for the cereal bar that the food itself isn’t kosher? Or that the preparation isn’t? Or something else?”

See, this can be a learning opportunity, too, friends.

“Thank you for understanding and respecting my beliefs. I’m glad you’re not some yuppie snob from West L.A. Theoretically the cereal at JuJu may very well be kosher. In fact, everything in the store may be kosher. However, someone (i.e. me) would have to look everything over, check packaging. In other words, it would be a pain in my ass. But their juice drinks should be kosher. That said, would you be willing to have dinner with me at a kosher place? My philosophy is: I’ll try anything once. Who knows, maybe you might enjoy putting a little bit of Jewish in you!”

Seriously, again? I’m so tired.

1. Who’s to say I’m not just a tolerant West L.A. yuppie snob? (Or a Hasidc one?)
2. Again, title of the Craigslist post, buddy. MY Craigslist post. I don’t want to eat dinner with you. I want breakfast. At JuJu.
3. You’ll try anything once? Anything like cheeseburgers? And Gentile cereal?
4. And are we still talking about food here? Or is the “Jewish” you hope to put in me referring, possibly, to something far scarier than Gefilte fish?

“Thanks for the invite. My intention, however, was to check out JuJu, so I think I’m gonna pass for now. Have a good weekend.”

I considered it for about a half a second, understanding that the true intention of Cereal Dating is not necessarily to eat cereal, but to date – or at least meet (and subsequently blog about) new people. But despite our blog-worthy exchange, this shiksa was utterly unamused by these emails, which historically doesn’t bode well for the person behind them. Perhaps if he’d actually used the phrase “a little Jew in you.” It’s far funnier.

Date #20: Sambazon Acai Bowl (a.k.a. Hemp Milk)

Okay, first manner of business is that Flake, the new cereal bar, sucks ass. I mean sure, it’s better than my roommate's sister's box of generic Fruit Loops that’s been sitting on top of my fridge since November and a carton of rapidly deteriorating strawberries, but as far as options go, it ain't got shit on JuJu. No Fiber One. No Kashi Go Lean. No banana-flavored milk or cake frosting. (Though they did offer Pixie Sticks, which I found equally horrifying and fabulous.) And unlike JuJu, where your basic bowl gets two cereals and three toppings, at Flake it’s one and one. What the fuck? For $4-plus? Let me see...that could potentially buy a full box of Kashi, a carton of soymilk, and at least a half a bunch of bananas. Sure, it takes some of the fun out of it, but these are tough times my friend and at least then I could stay in my PJs. But whatever. The staff was exceedingly genial.

Without any of my high-fiber favorites to fall back on, I went with Puffins and raspberries this go 'round. (I got exactly three raspberries, just so you know. I think you can even see them in the picture. If you look closely.) And my date, Hemp Milk himself, went with a “Flake Specialty,” the Sambazon Acai Bowl – frozen blended Acai with vegan hemp granola (ha!) and bananas.

Okay, before I get into the details of this much anticipated date, I’m gonna quickly walk you through my somewhat spotty relationship with Acai. I’m a big fan of nutrition and superfoods and secret elixirs from the depths of the rainforest jungle and the like, so when my office stocked a box of Acai flavored Emergen-C not long ago, I was only too happy to jump on board with the wonder food. Now, when I was about eight years old my cousin had a birthday party at a hotel. We swam at the pool all day then ate BLTs for dinner and I promptly went home and vomited for the rest of the night. By some stroke of gastronomical fortune, that was the last time I spewed forth anything other than expletives, but the contents of this Acai immunity-boosting packet nearly had me revisiting the Great Ralph of ’89.

I realize that Emergen-C isn’t necessarily the go-to for accurate flavor profiles, but this was vile. It, and anything resembling it, does not belong in or near the mouth of anyone possessing functioning taste buds. (Word up to my roommate who actually doesn't! Seriously.) So I think you can imagine my skepticism surrounding Hemp Milk's choice.

But Hemp Milk loves Acai. Can’t get enough of it. In fact, in addition to its pantheon of breakfast cereals, Flake also carries some really hard to find Acai juice that Hemp Milk actually orders by the case and “gives weekly motivational speeches” about. (His words, not mine. Paints quite a picture though, huh?) Needless to say, before date’s end I was force-fed Acai in both liquid and frozen blended form and, I happily report, it is far more delicious than its powdery perpetrator.

So we finally sat down, me with my trio of raspberries and Hemp Milk with his Acai and hemp granola, and we got down to business. Hemp Milk is not a hippie, in fact, but a European. Half German and half Hungarian, he came to the U.S. 14 years ago and – remarkably – has not even a trace of an accent. (Not a trace!) He was a theater major at NYU, but he’s not gay. I assumed as much, considering he agreed to a date with me – a female – but he really wanted to make that clear and, really, it never can hurt.

Interested in making actual money, Hemp Milk gave up acting in favor of real estate. (Though he still rents.) He’s into music, going to the gym, and basically living in Santa Monica. He played competitive tennis for 20 years. Oh, and back when he was living in New York, he signed with a record label and made an album. A pop album. Oh, Eastern European vegan semi-professional tennis pop star former actor turned real estate agent, you make my dreams come true.

And that, literally, was everything. No concerns about cereal sog here, because our date was pretty much an extended staring/chewing contest with intermittent bursts of banal questions. For two people who share a love of the Acai berry and dairy alternatives, we sure didn't have much to talk about.

When we finally finished, Hemp Milk suggested we hike on over to the beach. You mean extend this awkward discomfort in both time and space? Sure! It’s sunny out. Why not inch my way toward melanoma with someone I have nothing to say to. And so we racked our brains for conversation starters and we walked, mostly in silence, down the Venice boardwalk. From the Jamaican proselytizer to the Russian father-son acrobatic duo we literally didn't say a word to each other. Not one. When we got to the guy blasting “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” from his boombox, I suggested we turn around. And then we walked all the way back.

Fortunately, I think Hemp Milk and I were on the same recycled page when it came to the success of the meeting, because the date ended shortly thereafter, with nary a phone number request. I’m back, baby!

Hemp Milk

From the dating website:

“Hi there! I really like how you describe what you want in your profile and would be interested in chatting with you. If you would too, than just drop me a line.”

Hmm…how do I describe what I want in my profile? Let’s see…

I am seeking a: Man

Solid.

For: Hang out.

Brilliant.

“I appreciate wit and sarcasm.”

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

“Would love to meet someone with a fun, slightly adventurous nature who shares some of my interests – or at least has an interesting perspective to share. Bonus points if you know the difference between ‘their’ and ‘there,’ or ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’”

Ahh, that must be what he’s referencing. Yep, all true. Alright, let’s see whatchya got. (And because it’s been a while and the people, they want themselves some Cereal Dating dirt, I’ll ignore the than/then misstep up there. But don’t think I didn’t notice.)

Profile says:

adventurous…love to travel…always looking to have fun…blah blah…easily excited, especially if there is someone else getting excited with me…huh?...watch what I eat…work out regularly…take care of myself phisically and emotionally…check a dictionary…would like to find a girl who is confident, takes care of her body and health and likes to send me qute text messages while I am at work. She needs to be emotionally stable and have an outgoing but friendly personality.

Indeed, I am the picture of outgoing, friendly, emotional stability. And I do love text messages. What kind of text messages is it that he likes, do you think? Cute? Quote? I’m gonna go with cute. And introduce him to Webster. But I’ll bite.

“So I checked out your profile and it’s a good start, but pretty general. Would like to know more about you. Interests? Hobbies? Do you like cereal?”

“Ok, here is some more: I am adventurous and can get excited about pretty much anything especially if there is someone else also getting excited with me. I hope that made sense.”

Makes sense but damn, fixate much?

“My friends say that I am funny and I agree. I like cereal but I have to say I am kind of picky about the kind that I will have and I will probably have it with almond-breeze or hempmilk. By the way, there is a new cereal breakfast place that opened up in Venice. That might be fun for us to meet there (just food for thought). As far as my interests and hobbies; I go to the gym regularly and I like going to restaurants as well as visiting new places randomly. I am well cultured and traveled. I know that you like a little sarcasm and I have that quality in my repertoire…”

Okay, I grew up on regular ol’ 2% milk, then eventually switched to skim and am now a soy convert. I’ve also been known to enjoy almond milk on occasion and even had a brief romp with rice, so I know my way around the dairy case. But hemp milk? Hemp milk is where I draw the line. I really think we’re pushing it with hemp milk. What is that, like, a euphemism for bong water or something?

Also, I find evidence of humor and sarcasm preferable to reports of them, but I guess I can judge for myself because he won me over with the suggestion of meeting at Flake, the second Los Angeles cereal bar to permeate my consciousness. He is one lucky little hippie. What do you suppose he eats in his hemp milk? Granola, right? What else would go in hemp milk besides granola? Tobacco?

Back in the Cereal Saddle

Due to my 7-day work week schedule as of late, Cereal Dating recently experienced a forced hiatus, but I’m happy to report that my weekends have since been returned to me and, as such, the never-ending quest to enjoy ill-timed breakfasts with the menfolk continues.

Since last we convened, unsurprisingly, not much has occurred. CASKWBPBACS went on a week-long business trip to San Francisco, effectively ending our communication. I didn’t make any efforts to contact him, nor did I hear from him, and I’m pretty comfortable with that. He was a nice guy, but I wasn’t really feelin’ it and – let’s face it – whatever lucky guy ends up with all this is gonna have to show me he wants it.

Additionally, since creating the Sliding Doors map of my future, I have heard from Gentleman #2 (Granola and All Bran) but twice. The first email arrived about a week or so after our date (and, if memory serves, after two emails from my end). Anyways, he reported having a “crazy couple of weeks” but had a “fun time as well” and thought “it would be good to get together again.” Not this weekend but, you know, sometime soon.

I shall eagerly await it.

And exactly twenty anticipation-riddled days later I received the following email:

“Hey there, I hope everything has been great in the wonderful world of [L.A. Cereal Dater]. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but the past couple of weeks have been something else…what an experience. Anyway, that is all done now, so if you are still interested and haven’t already married an artist from Echo Park, I still want in. Actually if you get this and are free tomorrow, my friend is having a pool party in her new house in west hollywood. I know its last minute but if you want to go, break all your rules and call my cell so I can fill you in.”

I like a guy who can respect my bevy of phone number rules (actually, it’s really just the one: Don’t give it out unless you actually want to speak to the person requesting it), but I’m not so much one for last minute invites to strangers’ pool parties, so I coyly played it like I didn’t get the email until the next day and, instead, offered up the following weekend for pre-approved activities.

Now, I don’t know if he drowned at the West Hollywood housewarming bash, or suddenly found himself entrenched in a couple more weeks of disconcertingly vague “something else,” or if my joke about a brief engagement to a musician in Los Feliz scared him off, but it’s been a good two weeks so I’m thinking maybe he’s opted out of this deal.

I imagine I’ll get another email from him in a few weeks’ time, but who knows where my British-accented-multiple-hairstyle-sporting-Gwyneth-Paltrow-catching/missing-a-train-movie-loving soul will be? I’ve got new Fiber One frontiers to forge.