Do Pirates Eat Cereal?

This next nibble comes from the dating website abyss and in the form of a yacht captain. A very cute yacht captain. (Even sporting an eye patch and gold hoop earring, which he does with aplomb in one of his posted pictures. I’m guessing this is just a costume.) Interests and descriptions all check out, but his unique blend of humor and cheese, as displayed in his emails, gives rise to my own special brand of interest/mild concern. Case in point:

Email #1:

Subject: LOL

No comment.

“Eat cereal together; that’s cute…so are you ☺ Hi.”

Blech. I thanked him, forewarning that cereal is no joke, sailor, and asked if he was adventurous enough. He said he was up for the challenge so I laid out the plan, to which he responded:

Email #4:

Subject: Funny Girl

Huh? Well I’m no Babs, but…

“So for real? You want me to bring my optimum with blue berries to the grove? I’ll need my spy milk too. I do so love to people watch and trash talk though. When are you free? Got any plans tonight? Do you bowl?”

Oh for real, for real.  What in my first 3 emails led him to believe that I wasn’t completely and entirely for real? I do like the idea of spy milk, though - and people watching and trash talk.  I love people watching and trash talk.  As for tonight – not so big on the last minute plans. (Also, don’t The Rules mandate some sort of 3-day window or something? Not that I use that as any sort of romantic guide, but that's one anti-feminist idea I can surely get behind…) And do I bowl? Yeah, sure. I mean, I HAVE bowled. Do I bowl in any sort of active, recurring manner? No. I cereal bowl. I’m guessing he does?

Email #5:

Subject: Re: Funny Girl

Good call. Considering his track record, it probably wasn't going to get any better.

“I can ask the randomest of random questions! No, I’ve just had bowling on the brain today for some reason…Great day of sailing. Did you see the sunset? It was amazing, the sky was on fire!!! So Sunday I have a BBQ in Malibu to go to (yes I try to rhyme as much as possible) so Saturday would be best for me.”

A Malibu BBQ? How Seussian. I do love rhythm in my prose. I rattled off a bunch of appropriately rhyming sentences before giving him the run-down for Saturday. (And no, I didn’t see that fiery sunset; I work in a cave.)

Email #7:

“Wow this plan is so detailed, do you bring all your victims there before you eat them? I’ll be sure to leave a trail of crumbs all the way to the grove. Though historically that hasn’t worked so well has it? This is my first cereal date so go easy on me ok…Here’s my # in case I get lost in lala land. XOX, Captain”

Now why would I eat my victims when I have perfectly good cereal? That would be crazy. Anyways, I'm a vegetarian. Love the thought, though, as well as the nod to Hansel and Gretel. That “XOX,” however, has GOT to go. We are not yet in a place of hugs and kisses (virtual or otherwise) and he is not (to my knowledge): 1) a 12-year old girl, 2) my mom, or 3) inaugurating a new acronym regarding Xerox, xylitol, and/or my roommate’s coworker, Xochitl.

Oh yeah, he also refers to himself as “Captain.”