Oh dating website, with your dense pool of swimmers, you are so ripe with blogging material. As a direct result of the surplus of emails I’ve received from completely unacceptable suitors and in hopes of slightly honing the field of prospects, I recently updated my profile with two small additions:
1. I love David Sedaris and Bill Bryson.
2. Bonus points to guys who know the difference between “their” and “there,” or “your” and “you’re.”
I’m thinking these qualifiers can only help but until I see any results, I shall share some selections from the profiles of a few fellas who, apparently, thought we might get on well. Keep in mind, these are all guys that (presumably) read my profile then contacted me - I'm not picking on any "innocent victims" here. (The online profile page of this particular website allows you to choose pre-written answers in response to Do You Drink?, Marital Status, Do You Want Children?, Do You Do Drugs?, and Do You Have Children? and has write-in boxes for Interests, About Me, and First Date.)
Marital Status: Not Single/Not Looking
And why are you on a dating website?
Do You Have Children?: Prefer Not To Say
Prefer not to know.
Height: 5'0
Weight: 100lbs
And you're a guy? Now I'm 5'5 and don't have any strong body type specifications, but 5 feet and 100 pounds? I mean at some point it just starts to feel like pedophilia.
Interests: “clubing”, going to bars, “parting,” money, cults, Paganism, scotch, drinking games
What would ever make you think we’re compatible? How about you look at my profile for half a second before emailing me next time.
About Me: A poem you wrote about what girls and guys are really looking for in each other that concludes with the glowing the line, “While you get off you hear her go: ‘you’re the one for me, for always.’”
Rumi who?
About Me: Some people think Im cocky, other say Im selfish. You decide.
As much as I'd really rather not, I kind of already have.
About Me: Social: I have a great deal of friends ranging the full gamut of sobriety, and professionalism.
You measure your friends on a sobriety continuum?
About Me: i am a 33 year old man that knows what he wants in life , im blunt and straight to the point if you cant handle that keep ur ass moving…………..
Not a problem.
About Me: I am very outgoing. I like to go out on the weekends too the movies, beach, clubs, parties or bars. Or just chill with the homies and have some beers..if u like this any of this things i just mentioned then u will like me. Trust me.
I don’t. I won’t. Unlikely.
About Me: IM A REAL PERSON WHO DOES REAL THINGS..I VERY PERSONABLE PERSON I WILL TALK TO JUST ABOUT ANY ONE FROM 1 YRS OLD TO 90YRS OLD AND THEY TEND TO TALK BACK…I DONT NEED A CROWD OF PEOPLE ROUND ME TO HAVE A GOOD TIME…JUST LAST WEEK I WEEK OUT BY MY SELF AND DID THE d*mn THANG IF YOU KOW WHAT I MEAN…MY MOTTO IS DONT sh*tNONE WONT BE NO SHIT…IF UR INTERESTED GET AT ME…”
I…there are no…I just…can’t.
First Date: Before I talk about any dates, just want to add that I love my daughter more than anything in this world… okay, we can talk about dating now…
Can, maybe – but certainly will not.
The site also allows for one to post photographs, which is where I came across the wholly attractive image of a gentleman giving the middle finger to the camera. Fortunately, he included the following explanation:
“Reason is Im really skeptical about this site. I also do tend to have a dark sense of humor “sometimes”, not always. I figure if this site really does work the girls on here may look past those somewhat vulgarish images.”
One, flipping someone off is not a sign of your “dark sense of humor” (unless you're doing it at night, or in a closet, or something). Two, “Sometimes” is not a word that needs to be contained in quotation marks, Joey Tribbiani. Three, what does a girl looking past your “somewhat vulgarish image” have to do with the site “working”? And four, why would you want a girl to “look past” your moronic self expression if that's a true revelation of your “dark sense of humor”? Don’t you want someone who actually finds that appealing? Which I do. A lot. Ooh, thank God you posted that picture.
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