Fish I Will Not Be Eating Cereal With, Part Two

Well I figure we all saw this post coming, what with the Part One I posted yesterday and all. So to take it one step further (as that is undeniably the best place to take it, regardless of what “it” may be) I shall now shower you with a selection of emails (or parts thereof) that I have received in response to my online dating profile. Let me know if you think maybe I’m writing off any of these gems a bit too hastily.

Email subject: “Hi, how are you doing?”
Email contents: “…”

Really? You don’t understand the difference between an email subject and an actual email?

After a round of introductory emails:

“Give me two reasons I’d want to get to know you better.”

I’m not going to qualify my awesomeness for you.

“Just wanted to stop in and tell u that I think ur really beautiful. Here let me tell u alittle about myself. Well im 6ft5 with blue eyes, blondish-brown hair, I have my tongue and nipples pierced and 2 tattoo’s plus im a Hopeless Romantic.”

For some reason, I never really saw multiple piercing and tats going hand-in-hand with hopeless romanticism, but what do I know? Your tongue and nipple rings are such a strong part of your identity that you feel it necessary to lead with them, though? Not interested.

“HI! I’m 33 Italian Calif 5’8’’ 140 pounds. What is the latest and greatest? Do you have any tattoo? Do you smoke? Can you cook? Do you like your feet rubbed? I like to rub woman feet? I have no kids that I know of lol. No I have no kids. Hopes hear from you soon much love”

Are my potential tattoos really the most pressing question you have about me? Are you not sure if you like to rub a woman’s feet? Do you want to know how I feel about LOLs? Do you want to know how I feel about LOLs that immediately follow a decidedly unfunny remark?

“Now I have been told that I work way too much, but then old significant others or ex girlfriends were not electrical superintendents either so there is no level plane of understanding.”

There are so many things wrong with this string of words. First of all, admitting that you work way too much is honest but maybe not something you want to mention in your first go 'round; second, don’t introduce exes into the equation at all – ever; and third, an electrical superintendent? Nothing wrong with that but complaining about how previous partners were put off by the inordinate amount of time you spent flipping circuit breakers – or whatever an electrical superintendent does – is not going to win me over. Neither is the prestige of the gig.

“[LA Cereal Dater] sucha lovly name for an even lovlier ladie. its nice to meet your aqauintance [LA Cereal Dater] ~shakes and kisses hand~ Do you know your name means solitary (sidenote: it does not), is this true…are you alone? I must say im luckier then a man who walked upon a field of four leaf clovers to be talking to a girl as beautiful as you are”

I’m not even going to begin to address the surplus of sins contained in those four little sentences; I’m tired from my last list.

Favorite Films: Serendipity, Road to Perdition

Seriously? I mean, I can certainly appreciate Serendipity – who doesn’t love John Cusack in a perpetual state of heartache? – but in the entire cinematic tome that is one of your two favorites? After telling me that your favorite bands are Tool, Korn, The Cure, and Depeche Mode? (Before you jump all over me for this one, this is, admittedly, by far the least egregious of offences, but the rest of his email provided ample evidence of inadequacy.)

Email closing: “May the Lord bless you and keep you,”

Because I hate the Lord.

“P.S. like yourself im looking for a possible FWB arrangment. Something casual fun and drama free.”

FWB. That would be “friends with benefits.” Nowhere in my profile did I even slightly indicate such an interest. This actually caused me to guffaw at my computer screen. (So maybe props are due for initiating the first legitimate LOL of this entire charade.)

I also will not be won over with a picture of the naked northern half of your body standing in the shower, hands locked behind your head, bedroom eyes ablaze. In case you were thinking of trying that.