A Little Jew In You

Sensing another go with Craigslist was nearing, I recently drafted (and posted) this updated and undeniably awesome blurb:

“JuJu Cereal Bar?

Cereal’s Awesome. Combining different kinds and mixing them with fruit and candy and cake frosting in a chic, modern setting is even awesomer. Anyone up for checking out JuJu Cereal Bar in Westwood on Saturday afternoon, having a creatively fantastic snack, and possibly making a creatively fantastic new friend?

About me:
I love traveling, Friends, cruciferous vegetables, and witty sarcasm and I hate bars, clubs, mingling at parties, and vomit.

Just a fun weekend activity – no expectations beyond a breakfast-length conversation. Ages 21-34 only. Being awesome a plus.”

Come on, who wouldn’t want some of that?

As usual, I got a nice assortment of responses – some of which I may amuse you with in the future – but for today we’re going to focus on the following:

“Dude, JuJu is going to go out of business soon. I walk past there every morning on the way to the bus, and there’s like nobody there. Anyway, if you’d like to hang out in Westwood, that’s cool. I’d rather meet in Starbucks, Peet’s, Coffee Bean, or Seattle’s Best (in Borders, down the street from JuJu).”

Now, I was too annoyed by his brazen hijacking of my post (I don’t really care what you’d “rather” do, you caffeine addict. And I don’t particularly care to hang out in Westwood, either. I specifically was seeking someone to eat cereal with. It’s right there in the title.) to notice the even more shocking fact that this guy was walking…to the bus. People in L.A. don’t walk. Sure, they have legs that transport them from the valet to the restaurant, or their front door, or the gym – but they have cars. Everyone does. It’s just the way it is. Some people may also have to live inside their cars, but they have them. I may not agree with it entirely, but the fact of the matter is, if you live in Los Angeles and don’t have a car and your first name isn’t spelled G-O-D (‘cause God Don’t Own a Car – at least according to Jimmy Buffet) you are strange and marking yourself as such.

“Nah, I’m not really into coffee. I’m more into cereal. But let me know if you change your mind on JuJu – could be fun.”

“When were you thinking of going to JuJu?”

Again, right there in the post. Really not winning any points here, man.

“I was thinking maybe Saturday afternoon. You game?”

“OK. I’ll see you there. What time do you want to meet? Also, I’m a 27 year old male living in Westwood (I live ~4 blocks away from JuJu.) Thanks.”

You’re welcome.

“Cool. How’s 2pm?”

“OK. But I’m not promising that I’ll eat the cereal there! :)”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Hold the phone.

“Well that takes all the fun out of it, then. Why bother?”

“OK. You’ve talked me out of it.”

What the fuck is going on here?

“Wow. What do you have against cereal?”

I can’t even imagine. The big reveal…

“The truth is that I keep kosher. I was too embarrassed to mention that to you, because I was certain it would put you off, which I’m sure it has. But, I would be willing to meet with you, if you’d like. I have attached a picture of myself to this message for your review.”

So many things wrong with this email. Seriously, I’m overwhelmed by the thought of compiling a list.

1. You are embarrassed by one of the pillars at the core of your beliefs.
2. You assume that others find this practice off-putting.
3. You actively seek out/respond to people who you believe find your lifestyle disturbing.
4. You are willing to go on a date with someone even if you know that they are disagreeable to the very person you are.
5. Your picture looks like a mugshot.

“Not put off by it. I don’t know too much about keeping kosher, admittedly, but I do have my own dietary preferences so I somewhat understand having to be conscious of what/where you are eating. Just curious, is the concern for the cereal bar that the food itself isn’t kosher? Or that the preparation isn’t? Or something else?”

See, this can be a learning opportunity, too, friends.

“Thank you for understanding and respecting my beliefs. I’m glad you’re not some yuppie snob from West L.A. Theoretically the cereal at JuJu may very well be kosher. In fact, everything in the store may be kosher. However, someone (i.e. me) would have to look everything over, check packaging. In other words, it would be a pain in my ass. But their juice drinks should be kosher. That said, would you be willing to have dinner with me at a kosher place? My philosophy is: I’ll try anything once. Who knows, maybe you might enjoy putting a little bit of Jewish in you!”

Seriously, again? I’m so tired.

1. Who’s to say I’m not just a tolerant West L.A. yuppie snob? (Or a Hasidc one?)
2. Again, title of the Craigslist post, buddy. MY Craigslist post. I don’t want to eat dinner with you. I want breakfast. At JuJu.
3. You’ll try anything once? Anything like cheeseburgers? And Gentile cereal?
4. And are we still talking about food here? Or is the “Jewish” you hope to put in me referring, possibly, to something far scarier than Gefilte fish?

“Thanks for the invite. My intention, however, was to check out JuJu, so I think I’m gonna pass for now. Have a good weekend.”

I considered it for about a half a second, understanding that the true intention of Cereal Dating is not necessarily to eat cereal, but to date – or at least meet (and subsequently blog about) new people. But despite our blog-worthy exchange, this shiksa was utterly unamused by these emails, which historically doesn’t bode well for the person behind them. Perhaps if he’d actually used the phrase “a little Jew in you.” It’s far funnier.